neon-casket:

trapghoul:

what i don’t get about rosemary’s baby is how a struggling actor and bitch who doesn’t work could afford a sick ass pad in nyc smh #whites

trust fund+apartment in the 60s+whiteness+rent was probably low due to the past murders and satanic cult activity

I think they explained that it was rent-protected or something, since it had been one occupant living there for a very long time (which may have been a cover for the satanic cult activity & murders) ! I think it was still out of their budget, but a “good deal”… So Rosemary was able to convince Guy to take it. It was only shortly after that that he literally made a deal with the devil, blinding a fellow actor, and finding success after taking his work… SO they wouldn’t have been struggling financially for very long after that.

What’s really wild is that it’s not only in Manhattan but I believe on the Upper West Side. So it’s like super old money area. It would have been probably cheap to live elsewhere in Manhattan during that time, though. 

*also not trying to deny whiteness as a factor OR a trust fund, but I feel like they did kind of hint at why they were able to live there……….!

Misdiagnosed Miscarriage…. MAYBE!

So I had an ultrasound yesterday, and they found a heartbeat and an embryo that measures consistently with how far along I should be (which is difficult to gauge since I DO NOT have 28 day cycles - more like 31 - and I DO NOT ovulate on the 14th day - more like 16-18th day). The gestational sac is 4 days behind the embryo though, which could be really bad news.

I talked to my midwife, since she called right before my appointment wanting an update, and she said to emotionally prepare myself for a miscarriage (no sweat dawg, been doin’ that for a whole week!!!) because my case is really unusual and they probably won’t know what to tell me. 

FML!!!!~!!!!!

My appointment with the gynecology dept at Van General is today and I am super nervous. I still haven’t begun miscarrying, but all my symptoms of pregnancy are gone, I am still spotting and bleeding off and on and my pain has increased. My three fears are:

- somehow the 2 doctors, ultrasound tech and radiologist I saw are wrong, and I am still pregnant with a baby with horrible chromosomal problems (because I have been smoking and drinking coffee a lot since I was told an embryo never developed and that I was miscarrying)
- they won’t give me abortion drugs or d&e and I will wait months for a natural miscarriage, being in terrible pain and emotional turmoil the whole time
- there’s something wrong with my body and I will miscarry everytime I get pregnant

I know not totally rational, but thats where my brain is going. Super nervous.

Today I am doing much, much better. At least emotionally and mentally. I know everyone is different, but for me this was an event that was only extremely difficult in the moments leading up to it and at its apex. The denouement has been graciously mellow. 

The worst of it was probably the night I first went to emergency, when the first doctor said that it wasn’t a good sign that I was both spotting and cramping and that my HGC numbers had fallen 1000 points overnight. There was still this tiny tiny thread of hope that he was wrong (especially since the midwife I had signed on with was “optimistic” and advising me to “wait it out”), and that was AWFUL. The ambiguity was torture. I felt a massive sense of relief as soon as the Ultrasound tech and Radiologist told me it wasn’t a viable pregnancy the next day. I still wept throughout the day, but it was out of defeat, not horror.

Each passing day I have felt more and more like myself. 

I am still not bleeding, which is super frustrating, since my pain has been increasing for the past two days. I can’t wait until my appointment tomorrow, and I am so hopeful they will offer me some drugs to speed up the process, since it’s pretty horrible just waiting in pain and begging my  body to get it over with. 

Ugh.

Mercifully, after a week of very very light spotting, bleeding has started. I am willing my body to open and let it out, so that I can be rid of it and move on as soon as possible. How cool would it be to be finished by the time I go for my next U/S appointment on Tuesday? 

I know that this is probably gross and weird to talk about, but it has helped me IMMEASURABLY to be able to openly talk about it. I can’t imagine how it would be to suffer in silence. I feel that I am processing my grief more naturally by talking about it.

Also I can’t stop having crying baths. My skin is all dried out because I’ve seriously had like 18 baths in the past 48 hours. If you forgot to ask for anxiety meds in the hosiptal what else can you do to numb yourself besides getting in and out of baths all day.

For 9 beautiful days, I was pregnant, happy and excited. This picture was taken before I went to my first doctor’s appointment. I was totally elated. I felt beautiful, fertile and full of life. I have spent the past four days slowly having that happiness chipped away, culminating in an ultrasound which confirmed a spontaneous abortion today; an empty gestational sac that does not match up with how far along I should be, and four days of spotting and cramping behind me.

I have to wait for a followup appointment/scan on Tuesday, where I will beg and plead for misoprostol and the strongest tranquilizers I can get my hands on so that I can bleed out and numb out as soon as possible and move on. Sitting here cramping with this “nonviable pregnancy” and all of these useless “products of conception” inside me is pure torture.

In a week or so, I’m supposed to take off for Kenora, where some friends of my mother are throwing me a wedding shower party. In a month and a half we will get married.

Waves of grief keep washing over me. I am struck by crying jags where I make loud, guttural mournful bellows like a dying animal. 

I have piles of maternity magazines and books scattered around my apartment. Earlier I had bought some baby clothing that I couldn’t resist. I actually picked up some maternity items from Top Shop that I liked. Nursing bras from the new Target in Coquitlam.

I just want this to be over. It is stripping me of joy and excitement for what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life.